The Steps to Getting Started

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How do you climb a mountain? With patience and perseverence, one step at a time.

  • Step 1: Choosing therapy

    We choose therapy because there are parts of ourself that desperately crave change, and are ready for change. There may also be parts of you that are scared, angry, or disengaged - that’s OK. We don’t have to be 100% ready - just ready Enough.
    Once you know you are ready, it’s time to find a therapist. If using insurance, make sure to reach out to your insurance company first to determine what services are covered.
    Next, find available therapists near you. Do their website descriptions match what you are looking for? Do you think you could connect with that therapist? Being able to vibe well with a therapist can be incredibly helpful for the healing journey to continue smoothly.

  • Step 2: Schedule an Appointment

    It may feel like therapy doesn’t start until you actually sit down with the therapist, but scheduling the appointment and preparing for the first appointment can be incredibly cathartic AND triggering.
    Prior to your appointment, we will send a number of questioinnaires, assessments, and other documentation. These questions can feel just as intense to answer as those posed in therapy! Give yourself a bit of time to fill the paperwork out, and don’t forget to take those big healing belly-breaths.
    Besides paperwork, you should also have your meeting details set. At A Soft Place to Land, we use Zoom, so you should receive a message/email with the secure Zoom link. Please try to ensure your internet connection is as steady as possible so we can shift our focus from our computers to each other.

  • Step 3: Growing

    What does therapy look like beyond the first session?
    Ongoing treatment depends on the goals set, therapy modality (individual or couples), and provider. However, at A Soft Place to Land, we often continue to gather information about your relationship history, patterns, and goals for the first 2-3 sessions. Once we have a steady relationship built between the therapist and client, as well as a solid knowledge of your relationship patterns, we can work to slow down the current patterns that are happening and make intentional shifts where they are needed most.

What can I do in my relationship TODAY?

Needing some ideas for how to make a change, and need it happen quickly? Here are some ideas.

  • Arguments can get really hot, really fast! When our wounds feel like salt is being poured in them, it’s REALLY hard to stay calm!!

    Restoring calm, compassion, and curiousity are key to being able to work through a problem with our beloved.
    Here is a KEY part: take a time-out, but tell your partner WHEN you will RETURN. When we say things like “I need a break, I’m leaving” and don’t give an estimate of when we will come back, cycles of abandonment can get activated.
    Once calm, compassion, and curiosity are restored, we can get ready to repair.

  • Sometimes we think someone “just needs time”, only to come back and pretend like the disruption never happened. But that never seems to make it all better, does it?
    We need to offer apologies and forgiveness in relationships.


    Can we tell you a secret, though? Saying something like “I’m sorry you were so mad” is probably only going to make your partner more angry.

    Another apology example might be something like: “I’m sorry I made you angry when I forgot to unload the dishwasher. I’ll just do it now, it’s not a big deal”. Why doesn’t this work??? Well, we’ve only made our partner feel like their reaction was ridiculous, and we don’t actually care about WHY they were hurt. We’re not making them feel like we care.

    Instead, try to say I’m sorry like this: “I took some time, and I can see why it was upsetting that I didn’t unload the dishwasher before you got home. I know you had a really long day, and you were wanting the kitchen to be ready so you could get dinner going before we have the baseball game. I think it made you feel like I don’t value your time, or don’t care about making the evening work well for all of us. I do care, and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Am I getting it right? What can I do to make it feel better?”

  • Your beloved is probably a pretty smart and capable person, right? Though we all have our moments, I bet your partner is completely capable of figuring out how to solve most of the problems they face each day.
    Too often, we jump right into try to FIX FOR our partner, rather than SIT WITH our partner to help re-engage their own problem solving abilities.
    When our partner seems overwhelmed, stuck, down, or unmovtivated, they probably don’t need immediate solutions. Instead, they probably need some comfort.

    Comfort? What’s that? (I hear that all the time). What gives you that cozy, warm, fuzzy, calm, safe feeling inside? Offering comfort to our partner says to them “I believe in you! And I’m here with you. We can make it through this together”. Try offering some comforting touch first - a hug, a hand on their knee, or even holding their hands in your face and putting your foreheads together.
    This comfort, and your belief in them, can actually UNLOCK their own problem solving abilities! Then you can both, together, continue to venture into the unknown, braver, stronger, and softer.

  • When we’re going through the motions of each day, it’s easy to focus on what isn’t there. After all, that’s what usually trips us up and demands our attention!

    But what about the things that are there? What ways has your partner shown up for you today? Take a few moments thinking about at least three things, in the past 24 hours, your partner has done that you are grateful for. It may or may not be towards you - that’s ok! When we take the time to think of our partner as a person we’re proud of and appreciate, it’s often a little easier to slow our complaints and improve our communication.

  • Novelty is bonding! Is there an axe throwing place you have been wanting to try? A new escape room? A museum exhibit? Or, for those of you who like to walk on the wildside, perhaps a groupon for skydiving?! Truly, though, experiencing things for the first time with someone brings us closer together. It’s vulnerable to not be exactly sure how we will react, or what we’re supposed to do. When someone walks that journey with us, and we get to see them fumble with new expectations, it can make us feel closer.
    So search for local experiences on your town page. Scour Groupon for the latest “Experiences”, and bring your honey. Usually, there’s not much to lose and a whole lot to gain!